Reflection and Testimony

Loss. Loss is something humans have had to deal with since sin entered the world 6,000 years ago. The natural response to loss is Grief: which often is accompanied by remorse, denial, self-pity, anger, and blame.
Grief. Grief can be handled in many different ways. For some, it is the end, for others a hope for the future. For some, it is a time for reflection. Some people seem to heal quickly; others take more time; and still others seem to never completely recover.

Of course, for we who have our faith in Jesus - our Rock of Salvation - we have hope. (Ps. 62:6)

For me, I tend to try to brush it off, hide it, and "go on with life", but really it is just pushed down to the recesses of my heart, like a volcano, that occasionally simmers when provoked, and then suddenly spouts when the pressure is too much to contain.

I have dealt with much loss in my life, though terribly insignificant compared to some I know (but there I go comparing, and that is never wise ;p)...
I suppose all that is 'by way of introduction' to the testimony I felt led to share last night:::

This past week, we lost 2 of our alpacas - my little brother's alpacas: one to old age and unknown causes, and the other - her orphaned cria - to a slow start.

Death happens on every ranch or farm for various reasons and has to be excepted, but with every one, there are always questions of "Why?" and "What could I have done better?". With each one, a new lesson is learned or insight gained. Still, every one is hard--even when you've calloused yourself to it
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This last one was especially so. Cassie (the dam), was the 'dream of the future', and Cavalier (the cria), was a good beginning. Not only were they jet black (my dream), but David & I invested hours not only in their purchase, but also in trying to save Cavalier--to no avail.
I knew it from the moment I realized he didn't get the colostrum he needed at birth, but hardened my heart and secretly hoped.

But really, this heartache wasn't about a little black cria...it was deeper than that...it went back to my dream horse - Raphya, and her filly - Ruhamah, who she would never carry to term --my dream for the future that died less than 2 months after it had been confirmed. Instead of grieving though, I pushed it aside with the wonderful excuse of work (after all, 'Hard work never hurt a body', right??), and God gave me complete peace to accept it as His will and go on.

Over the last year especially though, I started to have to have to face it all over again - with a near look-alike mare, who would have a foal (a colt) that looked almost exactly what Ruhamah would have looked like.

A friend faced me with the fact a few months ago that I was afraid to own a horse again or even ride them because deep down, it was too hard to forget and go on. Really truly, it was because it would mean I would have to love another horse, which I could lose.

I think that is something a lot of us face -- to invest time and energy into something (or someone) often leads into love and sometimes even passion. Love means unbarring your soul, leaving yourself vulnerable and open. Ultimately, it means to trust. After loss swoops down and wrecks havoc, our first inclination is to build a wall around our hearts and guard it closely so that nothing will 'hurt' us again. This often leads to coldheartedness, bitterness, and distrust.

What does God want though? What is His ultimate desire for us? He wants us to trust Him completely - with unbarred, vulnerable hearts. He wants us to know that we can trust them to Him and He, as our gentle Shepherd will protect them for us. (Ps. 57)

This does not mean that sorrow or loss won't happen -- that is the result of sin. (Gen. 3) However, He is with us each step of the way. (Heb. 13:5; Isaiah 41:10) All we have to do is ask. (Matt. 7:7)

Some wise person said that 'Where Faith is, fear cannot abide'. Isn't that so true?! (Ps. 27:1; 56:3-4)
Over the past week, many things have happened that brought to mind my Raphya, and tonight as David & I sat with the cria as it drew it's last breaths, that utter longing and welled-up grief flooded over me. The questions of 'why' went through my head again and the flashbacks started.

As I prepared for bed, at a loss, I cried out to God, begging for answers, reassurance, a lessons to learn, something graspable, and suddenly, He sent the chorus of "Jesus, Bring the Rain" to mind:

Bring me joy, Bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

Holy Holy Holy, Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty

Have you ever had the Holy Spirit enter your room and put you on your knees - glorifying and praising God? Suddenly, my tears of pain spontaneously turned into whispers of Thanksgiving, and all I could say was "Thank you Lord!" and "Praise you Jesus!" Peace overwhelmed my soul once more.

I may never know why He allowed this dream to vanish and I may very well at times struggle with the sometimes desperate pain that love carries with it, but of this I am convinced, with every shadow there is a ray of light (Isaiah 9:2); with every sorrow, there is eventual joy (Ps. 30:5); and when Faith is instilled, fear is banished (Ps. 56:3-4; 1 John 4:18).

Faith is a choice, as is love. (Heb. 11:6)

Christ gave us a free gift - that of Salvation and of Grace. (Eph. 2:8) Both are free for the taking, if we only ask, believe, and receive. (Luke 11:9)

Just as the GodHead would have walked on by Abraham's tent if he had not ran out and begged them to come in and stay awhile, Jesus will walk on by unless we entreat and invite Him into the situation. (Gen. 18) God loves us. He cares for you. He so badly wants us to 'Cast all our cares upon Him, because He cares for us'. (1 Pet. 5:7)

One of my sister Rachel's favorite illustrations of this is that of the little boy who was carrying a heavy load. A passing farmer in his wagon laden with parcels offered a ride which the boy gladly excepted.

Joyfully, the lad placed his burden upon the space beside him, but then after a while, he noticed how the poor horse was carrying so much under the strain of the wagon and heavy load. Feeling sorry for the beast, the lad placed his own heavy bundle on his lap, thinking that it would ease the horse's load.

Of course, that may sound silly to us, because we know the horse still carried just as much weight, but in all reality, that is just what we so often do! We 'cast our cares upon Christ' only to take them up ourselves again! But that is not Christ's desire for us! He says 'Come unto me, all that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest unto your souls'. (Matt. 11:28)

I charge you my dear readers, don't allow Satan to hold you in bondage! Commit your way, your steps, and your burdens to Christ (Ps. 37:3-5), for 'His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Learn of Him, for He is meek and lowly of heart'. (Matt. 11:29-30)