Reflection and Testimony

Loss. Loss is something humans have had to deal with since sin entered the world 6,000 years ago. The natural response to loss is Grief: which often is accompanied by remorse, denial, self-pity, anger, and blame.
Grief. Grief can be handled in many different ways. For some, it is the end, for others a hope for the future. For some, it is a time for reflection. Some people seem to heal quickly; others take more time; and still others seem to never completely recover.

Of course, for we who have our faith in Jesus - our Rock of Salvation - we have hope. (Ps. 62:6)

For me, I tend to try to brush it off, hide it, and "go on with life", but really it is just pushed down to the recesses of my heart, like a volcano, that occasionally simmers when provoked, and then suddenly spouts when the pressure is too much to contain.

I have dealt with much loss in my life, though terribly insignificant compared to some I know (but there I go comparing, and that is never wise ;p)...
I suppose all that is 'by way of introduction' to the testimony I felt led to share last night:::

This past week, we lost 2 of our alpacas - my little brother's alpacas: one to old age and unknown causes, and the other - her orphaned cria - to a slow start.

Death happens on every ranch or farm for various reasons and has to be excepted, but with every one, there are always questions of "Why?" and "What could I have done better?". With each one, a new lesson is learned or insight gained. Still, every one is hard--even when you've calloused yourself to it
.
This last one was especially so. Cassie (the dam), was the 'dream of the future', and Cavalier (the cria), was a good beginning. Not only were they jet black (my dream), but David & I invested hours not only in their purchase, but also in trying to save Cavalier--to no avail.
I knew it from the moment I realized he didn't get the colostrum he needed at birth, but hardened my heart and secretly hoped.

But really, this heartache wasn't about a little black cria...it was deeper than that...it went back to my dream horse - Raphya, and her filly - Ruhamah, who she would never carry to term --my dream for the future that died less than 2 months after it had been confirmed. Instead of grieving though, I pushed it aside with the wonderful excuse of work (after all, 'Hard work never hurt a body', right??), and God gave me complete peace to accept it as His will and go on.

Over the last year especially though, I started to have to have to face it all over again - with a near look-alike mare, who would have a foal (a colt) that looked almost exactly what Ruhamah would have looked like.

A friend faced me with the fact a few months ago that I was afraid to own a horse again or even ride them because deep down, it was too hard to forget and go on. Really truly, it was because it would mean I would have to love another horse, which I could lose.

I think that is something a lot of us face -- to invest time and energy into something (or someone) often leads into love and sometimes even passion. Love means unbarring your soul, leaving yourself vulnerable and open. Ultimately, it means to trust. After loss swoops down and wrecks havoc, our first inclination is to build a wall around our hearts and guard it closely so that nothing will 'hurt' us again. This often leads to coldheartedness, bitterness, and distrust.

What does God want though? What is His ultimate desire for us? He wants us to trust Him completely - with unbarred, vulnerable hearts. He wants us to know that we can trust them to Him and He, as our gentle Shepherd will protect them for us. (Ps. 57)

This does not mean that sorrow or loss won't happen -- that is the result of sin. (Gen. 3) However, He is with us each step of the way. (Heb. 13:5; Isaiah 41:10) All we have to do is ask. (Matt. 7:7)

Some wise person said that 'Where Faith is, fear cannot abide'. Isn't that so true?! (Ps. 27:1; 56:3-4)
Over the past week, many things have happened that brought to mind my Raphya, and tonight as David & I sat with the cria as it drew it's last breaths, that utter longing and welled-up grief flooded over me. The questions of 'why' went through my head again and the flashbacks started.

As I prepared for bed, at a loss, I cried out to God, begging for answers, reassurance, a lessons to learn, something graspable, and suddenly, He sent the chorus of "Jesus, Bring the Rain" to mind:

Bring me joy, Bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

Holy Holy Holy, Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty

Have you ever had the Holy Spirit enter your room and put you on your knees - glorifying and praising God? Suddenly, my tears of pain spontaneously turned into whispers of Thanksgiving, and all I could say was "Thank you Lord!" and "Praise you Jesus!" Peace overwhelmed my soul once more.

I may never know why He allowed this dream to vanish and I may very well at times struggle with the sometimes desperate pain that love carries with it, but of this I am convinced, with every shadow there is a ray of light (Isaiah 9:2); with every sorrow, there is eventual joy (Ps. 30:5); and when Faith is instilled, fear is banished (Ps. 56:3-4; 1 John 4:18).

Faith is a choice, as is love. (Heb. 11:6)

Christ gave us a free gift - that of Salvation and of Grace. (Eph. 2:8) Both are free for the taking, if we only ask, believe, and receive. (Luke 11:9)

Just as the GodHead would have walked on by Abraham's tent if he had not ran out and begged them to come in and stay awhile, Jesus will walk on by unless we entreat and invite Him into the situation. (Gen. 18) God loves us. He cares for you. He so badly wants us to 'Cast all our cares upon Him, because He cares for us'. (1 Pet. 5:7)

One of my sister Rachel's favorite illustrations of this is that of the little boy who was carrying a heavy load. A passing farmer in his wagon laden with parcels offered a ride which the boy gladly excepted.

Joyfully, the lad placed his burden upon the space beside him, but then after a while, he noticed how the poor horse was carrying so much under the strain of the wagon and heavy load. Feeling sorry for the beast, the lad placed his own heavy bundle on his lap, thinking that it would ease the horse's load.

Of course, that may sound silly to us, because we know the horse still carried just as much weight, but in all reality, that is just what we so often do! We 'cast our cares upon Christ' only to take them up ourselves again! But that is not Christ's desire for us! He says 'Come unto me, all that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest unto your souls'. (Matt. 11:28)

I charge you my dear readers, don't allow Satan to hold you in bondage! Commit your way, your steps, and your burdens to Christ (Ps. 37:3-5), for 'His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Learn of Him, for He is meek and lowly of heart'. (Matt. 11:29-30)

Up Before Dawn

Yesterday, David, Samuel, Rebekah and I all got up before dawn, got dressed, did chores, had breakfast, and took the sleds out...or snow machines as we Alaskans say, before everyone went Skiing the rest of the day.

Our Men (Josiah, Samuel, Papa, James & David)..a couple months ago. :)

You know, there is nothing like being out there, with the sun coming up, and the wind in your face on these monstrous machines (except doing the same on a horse)....Just takes your breath away, and shows you a glimpse of God's magnificent Glory!!!

Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever Thou hadst formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, Thou art God.

~ Psalms 90:2 ~

Each Day with Grace..

Yesterday marked the day my filly - Ruhamah...my dream, my passion, my 'future'....as I thought would have turned 1 year old...

I re-read my journal last night during that time, and I am still shocked by the grace God bestowed on me, and the time He allowed it to happen, that literally every single moment for the next 2 weeks were filled with HUGE things to do... (Work is my getaway)
Ruhamah means "Obtained Mercy", and that is what God gave me...I obtained Mercy, throughout it all, and God's grace proved to be sufficient.

One of my favorite songs, which this blog is actually titled after is Day By Day...what solace it has brought me!!! Praise God for His everlasting mercy and grace.

Day by day, and with each passing moment,

Strength I find to meet my trials here;

Trusting in my Father's wise bestowment,

I've no cause for worry or for fear.

He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,

Gives unto each day what He deems best,

Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,

Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day the Lord Himself is near me,

WIth a special mercy for each hour;

All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,

He whose name is Counsellor and Pow'r.

The protection of His child and treasure

Is a charge that on Himself He laid;

"As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,"

This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then, in every tribulation,

So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,

That I lose not faith's sweet consolation,

Offered me within Thy hol Word.

Help me Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,

E'er to take, as from a father's hand,

One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,

Till with Christ the Lord I stand.

But though He cause grief, yet will He have COMPASSION (ruhamah) according to the multitude of His mercies.

~ Lamentations 3:23 ~

He is Faithful

This last weekend was tough for me......we had 3 alpacas die in a matter of 2 days...for various reasons.
One cria didn't have the stamina to survive the winter because his mom was really sick (she humanely euthanized later), and supplementation for a male cria who isn't 'worth' the $300 to give a plasma transfer to is difficult.

After doing what we could for him this last week to try to perk him up, he died Saturday morning. Then, Friday afternoon, I found my prized cria-Khinah, hypothermic for no apparent reason, and doing everything short of giving her an IV (which I was about to do), she died Saturday afternoon.

In that alone, I was at peace. What did Job (1:20-21) say after he had lost all of his (10) children??

"Then Job arose.....and worshipped (God), and said, "...the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

(Notice that he worshipped God...looking at the original Hebrew text, we find that that means he knelt down all the way to the ground in reverence to God. What an motivating response to an tremendous trial.)

Of course, living on a ranch, these things are bound to happen, and you learn to accept them as part of life, and are comforted, knowing that God is walking with you during it all.

Though I was at peace with all that happened, it brought up past memories....memories of finding out my first horse-Molly had a neurological disease and making the extremely difficult decision to donate her to WSU for research.

Memories of then, after finding the horse of my dreams-Raphya (meaning "healer") and later breeding her to the perfect stallion for an unmatchable foal, I lost both Raphya and her unborn filly-Ruhamah (meaning "having obtained mercy") (and $3500 down-the-drain ;p), suddenly without any known cause.

Ruhamah - my dream

Memories of alpaca crias, like Snowflake, who was born 3 weeks early, and would have most assuredly died if I hadn't spent the first 2 days of her life out there in the barn, stimulating and tube feeding her (which proved to be necessary) to keep her alive, and even eating and sleeping out there with her. After 4 months of investing all my energies and money into my 'baby' (I was literally her mom), she suddenly died (waiting to die in my arms), without any explanation.

Memories of what were once my specialty....my Nubians....like Mercy, who born in frigid January, got pneumonia, and was literally house-raised...and to this day, is the only goat who has ever slept in my bed (in our house) with me. Because of her ailing lungs and wracking cough, she couldn't get any sleep at night (and neither could I ;p), unless her head was on my head touching my face. Then she was fine. Unfortunately, a person who was feeding her one morning, accidentally got it in her lungs, which proved fatal, even though we tried thorough CPR on her (in every way, besides the AED/Defibrilator ;p).

After 2 years since Raphya's death (the newest and in some ways hardest), I thought I was over it all. But the bittersweet memories are still there, and since memories will never leave (usually ;p), there will be tender feelings at times.

Suddenly, feelings arose that hadn't raised their ugly heads for nearly 2 years.....why did God let Raphya die? Why after He gave me such promises of what Ruhamah was going to be...my dream...for roping, riding, ranching, etc. suddenly go down the drain? Why did my horse allergies have to get so bad after we got out of horses, so that when I ride a horse, I get asthma so bad that I'm out of commission for months? Why didn't he allow me to get another horse when they were once my passion?

Silently and sometimes subconsciously fighting all these feelings, God overwhelmed my spirit with peace. Look what He has given me!?! He has directed my paths to something different for the time being....having a horse wouldn't fit in with medical studies and mission work at this point in time. He also divulged to me that though that is not what He has in His plans for me right now, that does not necessarily mean that I will not live my dream of raising horses and cattle, sometime in the future.

Through all this, He directed my eyes to Him. He wants me to gaze on His face and not be distracted with worldly goods. I am His...His Pure Princess Full of Hope (oh Father, let it be!! Make me to know what that really means to You!!).

Most of this I didn't even fully realize was going on until last night, when I was talking to a dear friend of mine (what Paul called an 'aged woman'--in Titus 2:3--which in in Hebrew also literally means 'ambassador' [which according to the 1812 Dictionary means: "An official messenger and representative"]...what a wonderful thing!), who I look up to as my personal mentor, and was so very encouraged in the Lord through her. Praise God for His goodness.

As usual, God brought these verses to mind/in my personal devotions, and what a fortification they are!

Yet the LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life. I will say unto God my Rock, "Why hast Thou forgotten me? Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?" 

As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me; while they say daily unto me, 'Where is thy God?' Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? 

Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

~ Psalms 42:8-11 ~

The LORD is my strength and song, and is become my salvation. I will praise Thee: for Thou hast heard me, and art become my salvation. This is the LORD's doing; it is marvellous in our eyes. 

This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. Thou art my God, and I will praise Thee: Thou art my God, I will exalt Thee. O give thanks unto the LORD; for He is good: for His mercy endureth for ever.

~ Psalms 118:14, 21, 23-24, 28-29 ~

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

~ Psalms 121:1-2, 8 ~

He also brought the following 2 songs to mind:

Maker of this heart of mine, You know me very well

You understand my deepest thought, more than I know myself

So when I face the darkness, when I need to find my way

I trust in You, Shepherd of my heart

Keeper of this heart of mine, Your patience has no end

You've loved me back into Your arms, time and time again

So if I start to wander, like the lamb that goes astray

I'll trust in You, Shepherd of my heart

You're the beacon of my night, You're the sunlight of my days

I can rest within Your arms, I can know Your loving ways

So let the cold winds blow and let the storms range all around

I trust in You, Shepherd of my heart

Giver of this life in me, You're what I'm living for

For all my deepest gratitude You love me even more

So as I walk through darkness, listening for the Master's call

I'll trust in You, Shepherd of my heart

I have a shelter in the storm when troubles pour upon me

Though fears are rising like a flood my soul can rest securely

O Jesus, I will hide in You--my place of peace and solace

No trial is deeper than Your love that comforts all my sorrows

I have a shelter in the storm when all my sins accuse me

Though justice charges me with guilt, Your grace will not refuse me

O Jesus, I will hide in You--who bore my condemnation

I find my refuge in Your wounds, for there I find salvation

I have a shelter in the storm when constant winds would break me

For in my weakness, I have learned Your strength will not forsake me

O Jesus, I will hide in You--the One who bears my burdens

With faithful hands that cannot fail, You'll bring me home to heaven

I pray this post is as much a blessing to you reading it (if you could get through it all ;p), as it was to me writing it. OUR GOD IS SO FAITHFUL!!!! IT IS OVERWHELMING!!! Come before Him this Thanksgiving with hearts of praise.

Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all ye lands. Serve the LORD with gladness: come before His presence with singing. Know ye that the LORD, He is God: it is He that hath made us and not we ourselves; we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture. 

Enter into His gates with Thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise: be thankful unto Him, and bless His name. For the LORD is good; His mercy is everlasting; and His truth endureth to all generations.

~ Psalms 100 ~