A Sacred Search

I know,  I'm supposed to be blogging Belize, BUT last night, Daniel, Rachel, and I went to the Sacred Search Single's Conference in Post Falls featuring Gary Thomas as speaker. I really appreciated what Pastor Thomas shared, not only because it deepened my understanding, but also put better words to fundamental truths I have believed and have tried to express for the last few years.

Thus, here are some highlights:
Studies have shown that the cultural standards for marriage among non-believers are rapidly becoming Christians' standards as well. These are:
 - Sexual Chemistry
 - Romantic Infatuation
 - Compatibility on Dates

Studies show that infatuation only lasts 12-18 months from its outset, and at longest, 2 years. It is such a powerful feeling though, that it leaves its victims vulnerable, stupid, and in a state of idealization which causes them to miss negative clues about the one they are infatuated with, that friends and parents might see.

The Spiritual Purpose should be the driving force of who you marry.

Matthew 6:33 says:

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

Though we as Christians are called to separate ourselves from the world and seek to live this verse out, so often we are deceived and drawn away of our lusts, especially when it comes to relationships and in choosing our marriage partner.

Why do we seek to apply Matthew 6:33 to all aspects of our lives except relationships, when that is one of the most critical choices we will ever make, and will so greatly affect not only our future impact on the world, but also in the lives of our future children, grandchildren, and so-on?!

Instead of looking for someone with whom you are infatuated, compatible, or have chemistry with, think about how that person will respond to potential real life circumstances: child rearing, infertility, your child's death, medical devastations, etc.

If you want to have a Big Marriage, you need a Big Life, which has to be rooted on Matthew 6:33.

Start setting your roots in Galatians 5:19-23:

"Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, Envyings, murders, drunkenness, reveling, and such like:

of which I tell you before as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law."

Do you want to grow in Love or Disappointment?
What you're looking for in your mate is the seed of these things--they don't have to be in full bloom yet.
Choose Someone Who:
1) Can Handle Conflict -- wisely, productively, and with grace.
      - Marriage makes you angry
      - Conflict helps you understand each other's values
   *Red Flag # 1: Stonewalling (the silent treatment) - processing is ok, but stuffing permanently and refusing to talk about it is different.
   * Red Flag # 2: Violence (1 strike and they're out, period.)

2) Will Be A Spectacular Parent -- they will influence your kids more than almost anyone else.

3) Prays -- There is nothing like knowing your wife is praying for you during your work decisions, trips, etc. or knowing your husband is praying for you while you're at home with the kids, counseling, etc.
      - You can't spend time in God's presence without being impacted.
      - Does it sound like they know who they're talking to?
      - Do they talk about God and what He's doing in their live?
      - Is God giving them a vision for their future or inspiring passion?

Would you rather marry someone with WHITE KNUCKLES or RED KNEES?

4) Has Humility -- James 3:2 says: (paraphrase) 'We all stumble sometimes', meaning, we each need humility.
   (Reminds me of Proverbs 22:4 - "By humility and the fear of the LORD are riches, and honour, and life.")
      - Do they serve or want to be served?
      - Do they show empathy or are they self-centered?
      - Do they want others to like them or do them care more about them than themselves?
      - Are the passionate about others or themselves?
      - Do they want to grow themselves as much as they think you should?

5) Is a Giver Not a Taker
      - You want your kids knowing that they give to joy to mom when she's serving them, not resentment.
      - You want someone to serve God together with outside your home, not someone who consumes so much of your time that they're your "ministry".
   * Red Flag # 1: Is life 'all about them'? Or do they have a "How can I help?" attitude?
                Are they refreshing or draining?
   * Red Flag # 2: Are they always asking for something in return?
   * Red Flag # 3: Look at how they treat (invisible) others - they might treat you differently now, because they want to get you.

6) The Holy Spirit is an Active Part of Their Life
      - In Acts 6:3, they were looking for deacons. These were their qualifications:

"Wherefore, brethren, look ye out among you seven men of honest report, full of the Holy Ghost, and wisdom, whom ye may appoint over this business."

      - God has called all His followers to be leaders, no matter what position they may have--thus, why should we want less in our future husbands? (And, women, I would say the same for us...)

7) Has Friends and Keeps Them - If they can't create and keep friends, maybe they aren't ready for marriage, and need to continue working on that part of maturity.

* Do they Fear God?
* Are they Convicted of Sin?
* Is God active in their life?
* Do they open their souls to be used of God?
* Do they display the fruits of the Spirit?

There's a myth out there that says "There is only One Person our there for me -- my soul mate, and I have to find him." That's a myth, started by Plato not Scripture.
1 Corinthians 7:39b says (context is widows), "...She is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord."
Proverbs 31:10 indicates a search, not "just waiting":
"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies."

I've always loved Proverbs 31, but it struck another cord this last time...the virtuous woman is so precious, she is to be valued above the monetary standard!! Lord, help me to be like her!

If you're concerned with the amount of communication your man has with you before marriage, remember that it will decrease about 25% after marriage.

Guys, if you're marrying for beauty, just remember that one day, the beautiful woman you married will look like her mom....and eventually like her grandma (if she lives that long) - you're marrying for keeps, not just for looks, so make sure you marry someone who is beautiful inside!

Last word....Ladies, I think so often, it is easy to point the finger at the guys saying "This is what He has to be...but what about us?? What areas do we need to grow in to be the best helpmeet we can be? I purpose, by God's grace, to continue to engraft these principles in my life now: will you join me?

"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised."

~ Proverbs 31:30 ~